12 Ways to Show Your Kids You Care and Build a Capacity to Prevent Abuse and Bullying at the Same Time

The month of February is mainly about the feelings of care and love for your friends and family. When we think of February, we mainly think of celebrating Valentine’s day one of two ways: 1) when we were in elementary school and gave cheesy cards to our classmates and 2) celebrating a romantic night with your loved one. However, spending Valentine’s day doesn’t have to be solely dedicated to your spouse. It can also be a good time to really show your kids how much you love them and care for them.  Ladies’ Home Journal has some great tips on how to connect with your kids that I’d like to share and some of our tips (http://www.lhj.com/relationships/family/raising-kids/25-ways-to-show-your-kids-you-love-them/):

·       Spend time alone with each of your children. Go out to lunch, take a leisurely walk,  read “just one more book”, view photo albums and baby books, get messy with your kids or just hang out together letting them know you value them as individuals.

·       Nurture self-esteem and self-confidence by praising good effort and a job well done, not just results- allow them to choose their own clothes, wear the “jewels” your children made for you or the picture they drew for you.

·       Celebrate everyday accomplishments. Make a special dinner with your child as the guest of honor to toast losing a tooth, making the soccer team, getting an A on a science paper, and more.

·       Teach children to think positive by being positive. Instead of noting how dirty they are when they come in for dinner, say, "Looks like you had a great time!" or Instead of saying, "You're doing it wrong," when your child makes a mistake, try saying "Why don't you try it this way."

·       Tell them how wonderful it is being their parent and how much you like the way they're growing up.

·       Bend the rules. Let your children put on their boots and jump in the puddles you usually tell them to avoid.

·       Eat dinner together even if it's just once a week. Take turns sharing your week's accomplishments.

·       Let your children overhear you complimenting them to someone else.

·       Try not to do all the things your parents did that you vowed never to do to your children.

·       Get to know their schedules, friends, and teachers so you can ask, "Did you and Sam sit together at lunch today?" or "What did Mr. Rogers sing in music class?" instead of simply, "What did you do today?" and know what is going on around them or what they learned at school.

·       Teach them about bullying and child abuse and how to recognize when something is not right.

·       Hug them, kiss them, and say, "I love you" every day, no matter what. Kids thrive on it and it's a daily fix we all need no matter what our age. Creating a secret word, sign, or gesture of affection that only you and your child share.

 Speak Up Be Safe™ (SUBS), the bullying and child abuse prevention curriculum being distributed throughout Florida in public elementary schools by the Monique Burr Foundation for Children, is helping students, parents/ caregivers, and school personnel get the information they need to understand what abuse and bullying is and how to prevent it. By educating your child on bullying, they will feel cared about and gain trust in you. They will not be afraid to speak up.  Nothing is more precious than the lives of your children. Show your love by educating your child rather than thinking it won’t happen to them. Learn more about SUBS and how you can help us get this message out and show your love for your children at www.MoniqueBurrFoundation.org. Join us and help us protect Florida’s children today! - watch for our follow up article on this topic and how it relates to preventing child abuse!

Guest Blogger:

Jackie Wiggins

Senior UNF Intern 

Protecting children from sexual exploitation more important than ever!

Internet sex stings in Florida are nothing new.  40 men were arrested in Orlando for soliciting sex with minors just a few weeks ago.  That arrest included a pro-golfer, a swim coach and an eighth grade teacher.  And here we are again, 21 arrested in Gainesville, including a Physician’s Assistant and an elementary school teacher.  So why am I so disturbed by this report that I felt the need to blog about it?  It’s just becoming more and more common and the perpetrators are seeking these encounters with children and teens knowing that these sting operations are happening.  But their desires are such that they are willing to take that risk in order to meet up with a young child or teen for sex.  Consequences aside, they think the risk is worth it, and that to me is scary!

There is no doubt that the sexual exploitation of children on the Internet is a huge problem in our country and it’s growing every day.  The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) has ample facts and resources about this issue for professionals, parents and communities that can be found on their website: http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/servlet/PageServlet?LanguageCountry=en_US&PageId=218.  However, it is up to us to learn more and do more.  Reading the newspaper and being appalled is simply no longer enough.  There are tools available and we, as the responsible adults in society, MUST use them to protect children today!

Do you know what the sexual exploitation of children is?  Do you know if your child has ever been solicited online, if they’ve ever received any unwanted offers, if they’ve ever communicated with a stranger online? Do you know that according to NCMEC, 1 in 7 children between the ages of 10 and 17 has received a sexual solicitation online? Yet only 5% of those solicitations were ever reported to law enforcement or an Internet service provider.  Do you know NCMEC hosts a cybertipline for just such reports?

At the Monique Burr Foundation for Children we are working hard every day to protect Florida’s children by educating and empowering all elementary school age children in first through fifth grades to recognize and report any unsafe situation they might encounter on the Internet.  It is a part of a more comprehensive program called Speak Up Be Safe™ and we are diligently working to educate and empower the adults in their lives as well as the community about these same dangers and resources.  Please help us.  Visit our website at www.MoniqueBurrFoundation.org/SUBS to become educated about this program and share our message.  It’s that important and it’s that necessary!

Bullying not taken seriously!

You’ve read in past blogs here about bullying statistics and bullying prevention, and about our Speak Up Be Safe™ program, but last week in the news we read about something that shocked many of us. In Naples, Florida, a judge recently granted immunity to a teen who killed another teen last January,  ruling that under Florida’s “Stand Your Ground Law” a person who feels bullied or otherwise threatened is legally entitled to meet force with force, even deadly force. The judge ruled the teen was “standing his ground because he had tried to avoid the bully’s advances multiple times and was under the threat of great harm.”

Bullying causes a wide range of consequences in our society… mental health problems, academic learning issues, social and relational issues, bullycide (suicide), and now this!  It’s time to stop this…it’s time to prevent this…it’s time to protect children from this senseless pain, destruction and loss.  But how?  How do we do that if bullying is not taken seriously? And statistics show that many don’t take bullying seriously. 

According to www.bullyingstatistics.org, school bullying statistics in the United States show that about one in four kids in the U.S. is bullied on a regular basis. 77 percent of all students are being, or have been bullied verbally in some way or another, including mental bullying or even verbal abuse, and most violent altercations between students are more likely to occur on school grounds than on the way to school.  So it is most definitely a serious problem.  However, one of the most unfortunate aspects of these school bullying statistics is that in about 85 percent of bullying cases, no intervention or effort is made by a teacher or administrative member of the school to stop the bullying from taking place.

I wonder what our reaction would be if no school personnel responded in 85% of medical emergencies that happened in schools?  Not only do students need to be educated, but school teachers and administrators do as well.  Speak Up Be Safe™ (SUBS), the bullying and child abuse prevention curriculum being distributed throughout Florida in public elementary schools by the Monique Burr Foundation for Children is doing just that.  And everyone can play a role in helping.  Learn more about SUBS and how you can help us get this message out and prevent more bullying tragedies at www.MoniqueBurrFoundation.org. Join us and help us protect Florida’s children now! 

Tips to Keep Kids Safe Over the Holidays

Parents often wonder in response to the statement: “It’s an adult’s job to keep kids safe,” just what they can do to protect their kids.  So we thought the holidays, when visitors abound, schedules are off, and parents are overwhelmed, would be a great time to offer parents these tips regarding that very topic.

Tips for parents (or caregivers) to keep their kids safe….

Child sexual abuse prevention tips!

1.     1. Discuss boundaries – in general boundaries and respect are keys to empowering your kids to say no to unwanted touches, pictures, etc… by adults or other children (be sure to tell them other children may do things that are wrong also).

a.    Use the Speak Up Be Safe™ rule - "It’s My body", to help them learn what it means.  If you visit our website at MoniqueBurrFoundation.org/SUBS and learn the five safety rules, you’ll see this first rule teaches kids their body is their own and they have the right to tell an adult No to uncomfortable touches, etc...  Give kids the tools to say no and practice! 

b.    During the holidays, lots of family members will be around and will want to hug your child, may want to play, tickle and even have your child sit on their lap.  Let both your child and the adults know this is a decision your child can make based on their comfort level, but if the child says no or stop, that is to be immediately respected!

2.     2. Pay attention to signals – a lot of times adults have a feeling that something is not quite right between an adult and a child, but they disregard that feeling because the adult in question is a family member or trusted friend, someone they think could never harm their child.  Truth is, 90% of children are sexually abused by someone they and the family knows very well, 70% by a family member.  Your child depends on you to keep them safe. If you have a gut feeling something is not right, ask questions, stop in, check back, and follow up. You owe it to your child to make sure you are paying attention and following up, not sweeping a feeling under the rug because it “couldn’t be” this person.

3.     3. Secrets have a way, especially bad secrets, of tearing families apart.  Teach your child that if someone asks them to keep a secret, they should tell them NO and then they should tell you.  Gifts as surprises until Christmas are okay, otherwise, families should adopt a “no secret” rule!

4.     4. Alone time between your child and another adult should be limited and then you should look for situations where that time is interruptible and observable and let the adult know you will follow up by asking your child lots of questions.  The fact that 80% of sexual abuse occurs in one adult – one child situations means that if you eliminate or minimize these situations, you have already protected your child better!

Remember, the key is early and ongoing communication.  Look for ways to start the conversations – extra guests sleeping in the house or trips to visit family and friends are both good ways to begin this type of conversation, and then look for ways to keep the communications going.  Two-way communications, where your child feels like they can come to you to ask questions must be ongoing! Parents must ensure the environment and the relationship is conducive to this happening!

Physical abuse increases during the holidays!

Increased time commitments and financial demands impact all families during the holidays, and sometimes, in some families, this may lead to physical abuse of a child. 

It’s important first of all, if you are feeling like you may hurt your own child to know there are things you can do to get help.

1.     Take a breather… sort of a time out for adults! Send your child to their room and/or you go to another room and take some time to de-stress and calm down when you are feeling like you are going to lose control.

2.     Call a friend and ask for support.  Often people don't want to ask others for help, but that’s what family and friends are for, and most of the time, they would be happy to help, they just don’t know what we need!  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness – it’s a sign of strength and love for your child!!!

3.     If that is not enough, you can always reach out for more professional help.  Contact the Florida abuse hotline at 1-800-96-ABUSE (1-800-962-2873).

4.     Watch out for signs of increased stress and possible abuse in a friend or neighbor’s family.  If you suspect this is the case, talk to the adult and tell them you too feel increased pressure during the holidays, and ask if there is any way you can help lighten their load.

5.     If you suspect the child is being, or has been, harmed, you must call the Florida abuse hotline at 1-800-96-ABUSE (1-800-962-2873).  Remember, making a report is helping a family get the services they need!

Lastly, don’t neglect – neglect!

1.     It’s easy to put too much responsibility on kids that are too young with all we as parents have to do, or to leave kids too young at home alone, etc…  but the holidays are no time to neglect our kids simply because we as parents are busy and have more to do!  Reach out to neighbors and ask for help, share responsibilities with friends, but please don’t neglect your kids! 

Remember, the holidays are about family and friends and we want it to be a safe and happy time as well. We at the Monique Burr Foundation for Children wish you and your entire family a safe and healthy 2012!  To learn more about the five Speak Up Be Safe™ Safety Rules and other resources to help you in your efforts to keep your child safe, visit our website at www.MoniqueBurrFoundation.org/SUBS.  Remember that $2.00 will also provide the complete program to a child.  To make a donation go to www.MoniqueBurrFoundation.org/Donations.  Thanks for joining us as we work to Protect Florida’s Children!

Do we need more awareness or do we need action to protect children from child sexual abuse?

Syracuse basketball coach Jim Boeheim said last week he wants to work toward increasing awareness of child abuse.  A generous and thoughtful gesture to be sure, however I’d like to take a moment to point out some previous efforts at awareness and ask if more awareness is really what we need? 

In 1986 Oprah revealed her own childhood sexual abuse to her audience and in 2010 after Tyler Perry revealed his abuse on the Oprah show, Oprah hosted a 2-day event, “200 Adult Men who were Molested Come Forward.” And the awareness hasn’t stopped there.  This year alone several celebrities have published books revealing their own childhood sexual abuse and rape, including Shania Twain, Sugar Ray Leonard and Ashley Judd to name just a few.

In the United States there were slightly fewer than 66,000 reports of sexual abuse in 2009.   However, according to several experts in the field, only between 12% (Hanson, 1999) and 30% of child sexual abuse cases (Finkelhor, 2008) are ever reported to authorities, therefore, the actual number of children sexually abused each year in the US is more likely to be between 220,000 and 550,000.

According to the most widely quoted statistic in the field taken from retrospective studies, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused by their 18^th birthday (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2006), this means there are more than 42 million adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the U.S.  And considering we have, as of the 2010 census, 74,181,467 citizens under 18 in our country, and we look at an average of 1 in 5 children, if 1 out of every 5 of them are or will be sexually abused, that potentially could be….. almost 15 million children that will be sexually abused before they are 18. Really? According to Darkness to Light, “Even if the true prevalence of child sexual abuse is not known, most will agree that there will be 500,000 babies born in the US this year that will be sexually abused before they turn 18 if we do not prevent it.”

So clearly awareness is needed! But when is enough awareness enough?  Do we think people know by now that adults are using children for sexual gratification in our country?  People have known for years that adults are neglecting and physically abusing kids… and yet that continues; so the question now becomes – are they aware this type of terrible abuse happens, that voyeurism, taking obscene pictures and indecent liberties, molesting, abusing, and raping children happens? It happens every day in our great nation!  And I would say, most people know it happens.  They know it and they either don’t want to admit it, think it won’t happen to them so they aren’t really concerned about it, they don’t want to talk about it because it is so horrific to think about, or they just simply don’t know what to do about it.

Yes child sexual abuse is real, it happens to real kids who go on to have real problems!  And whether it impacts you directly or indirectly – IT DOES IMPACT YOU! So please, be courageous enough to talk about it and protect kids that are being groomed or victimized.  Do something – anything!

1. Advocate for better child protection laws and prevention programs.
2. Learn the indicators of abuse and speak up when you suspect a child is being maltreated.
3. Learn more about the Monique Burr Foundation team and how we are protecting Florida’s children Now, and about references/research and resources at www.MoniqueBurrFoundation.org/SUBS.
4. Call your school or district to see if our prevention program, Speak Up Be Safe™ (which addresses bullying, and the prevention of all types of child abuse, including child sexual abuse for children and all the relevant adults in their lives), is currently being implemented in elementary schools in your district, and if not tell them you want the program and give them our website!
5. Make a donation to the Monique Burr Foundation for Children so we can continue to advocate for and educate children and communities, and better protect all children!

Because as I said awareness is a generous and thoughtful gesture – but action is real and gets results!  

The Monique Burr Foundation for Children believes in Protecting Florida’s Children – Let’s Do It Now!

The Penn State Scandal and Child Abuse: “Turning Reaction Into Real Action”

Everyone is talking about the Penn State scandal, as they should be.  The range of emotions expressed by citizens across the US run the gamut - some are outraged, some are supportive of Coach Paterno, which has others even more outraged, some are just in shock that this would happen and go unreported, some are just saddened that kids suffer such horrendous acts at the hands of the very adults that are supposed to care for and protect them in the first place.

But it’s time to turn all of that emotional reaction into real action to protect kids.  We can spend our time ranting about the actions (or inactions) of those individuals at Penn State (and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit as humans and as child advocates we’ve done our fair share of that privately), or we can make a conscious choice as a State and as a Nation to take this tragedy and do something, together, for once to better the lives of children in a very real, very now way!

Child sexual abuse and exploitation is a very real and dangerous problem in our world, and yes it is happening in your neighborhood too!  It happens for a variety of reasons and people turn their heads for a variety of reasons as well: denial, lack of education, fear, economic security.  The numbers vary depending on what study you are quoting, but experts tend to agree that approximately 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused by the time they turn 18.  So to put that into perspective, look at the average classroom in the US with about 20 kids and 4 kids in that class are, or will become a victim.  It’s sickening and it’s heartbreaking.  What it should be is motivating – but to most people – it just stops at sickening and heartbreaking.  But let’s change that! Let’s take this current level of awareness and motivation in the US and let’s move beyond sickness and heartbreak and let’s all make a commitment to do something to protect children!

First, all citizens should be aware of the signs and symptoms of child abuse and neglect (and not just child sexual abuse) and should know where and how to report suspicions of abuse if they suspect it. We should all think of reporting as a form of prevention. It stops the abuse for the current victim and it prevents abuse for future victims.  In Florida, every citizen is a mandatory reporter, as is every citizen in 17 other states.  But whether you are mandated to report or not, it’s just the right thing to do!  To learn the signs and symptoms of abuse or neglect or how to report abuse in Florida, visit: Monique Burr Foundation Resources.

If you are not in Florida and you want to know your state’s statute on reporting and how to report, you can visit this website hosted by The Child Welfare Information Gateway to find out more information.  If your state law does not require every citizen to be a mandatory reporter, contact your state legislators and ask them to change the law immediately.

Secondly, prevention education needs to be a priority.  The US is a reactive society and we need to become a preventive society. With over 3.2 million reports of child abuse annually (and more abuse that goes unreported) this is an issue of public health crisis proportion with long-term negative health, mental health and societal consequences that last well into adulthood. However, there is ample research that shows prevention programs targeted at both children and adults is effective for primary and secondary prevention of child abuse and child sexual abuse.

In Florida, the legislature has mandated child abuse prevention education for all of Florida’s children through Florida Statute 39.  In response to that unfunded mandate, the Monique Burr Foundation for Children is providing a curriculum, Speak Up Be Safe™ (SUBS), as the Florida Department of Education approved safety and child abuse prevention program at no cost to public schools through active fundraising.  The SUBS curriculum also includes bullying, cyberbullying and technology safety information to help avoid and prevent other tragedies as well.

According to Finkelhor (2007), arguments against prevention education for children are unfounded and “the weight of currently available evidence shows that it is worth providing children with high-quality prevention education programs”, stating that “much research has suggested that children acquire the concepts; some research has suggested the programs promote disclosure and one study found lower rates of victimization for children who were exposed to these programs.” Finkelhor goes on to say despite arguments to the contrary, “a majority of reviews have found that children at all ages do acquire the key concepts that are being taught. In fact, younger children show more learning than older children.” And since we know the majority of abuse occurs in children under the age of 11, SUBS is taught to that target audience.

Speak Up Be Safe™ also follows the empirical findings and policy suggestions set forth in previous research¹ to ensure the maximum efficacy and safety benefits for children in prevention programs. 

·      Programs are more effective when they occur on multiple occasions.

·      Programs are more effective when they allow children opportunities to practice skills.

·      Programs are more effective when they involve parents.

·      Programs should devote more emphasis to bullying prevention.

To move from the reactive society toward the preventive society mentioned earlier, EVERY school in Florida needs to implement SUBS in EVERY 1^st – 5^th grade classroom to get this essential information to EVERY child.  And the Monique Burr Foundation for Children needs EVERY citizen’s help to accomplish this.

Parents can inquire directly with their school or district to see if they are participating in the Speak Up Be Safe™ program and if not, request the program be used in their school.  Schools and districts can request SUBS and can include the program as a part of their standardized Guidance and Health curriculum to ensure uniform implementation across their district.  Community members and organizations can assist the Monique Burr Foundation and schools and districts with financial and implementation support. 

We must all work together to be successful in protecting kids, but the key is, THE TIME IS NOW.  We MUST Speak Up now to Keep Florida’s Kids Safe!  Contact us for more information at www.MoniqueBurrFoundation.org/SUBS.

Finkelhor, D. (2007). Prevention of Sexual Abuse Through Educational Programs Directed Toward Children. Pediatrics, 120(3): 640-645. Downloaded from http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/prevention/papers.html on November 15, 2011.

¹Finkelhor, D. & Dziuba-Leatherman, J. (1994). Victimization Prevention Programs: A National Survey of Children’s Exposure and Reactions. Child Abuse and Neglect, 19,(2):129-139. Downloaded from http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/prevention/papers.html on November 15, 2011. 

Child Abuse is on the Rise.... Let's do something about it!

An Ohio teacher and Penn State coach in the news, child porn sweeps in NC and FL with teachers, military, fire chiefs arrested, a US Department of State Special Agent recently arrested, a Ph.D at the CDC recently arrested… everywhere you look you see headlines related to child abuse, child pornography and child sexual exploitation. This is a public health crisis that is affecting us all, because even if it is not directly impacting you today it is going to impact you in the future. YOU are going teach these children, live next to these children, your children are going to go to school with these children and your tax dollars are going to have to pay to HEAL these children and INCARCERATE these perpetrators! If you do not think prevention is important, you are mistaken! The US needs to refocus it's efforts on PREVENTION! We need to stop the demand and EDUCATE and EMPOWER children and adults!!!! This really needs to stop. Please get involved and do something.