Identifying, Intervening, Surviving, and Preventing Bullying – A Series: Bully Bystanders - How and Why Other Students Should Intervene

Imagine if there was a simple solution to bullying. Maybe there is. In 85% of bullying incidents at schools, there are other children around, bystanders, watching and not acting. Now imagine if in those instances those bystanders did act. In 57% of cases when bystanders get involved, the bullying stops within 10 seconds. In other words, bystanders could most likely stop at least half of bullying incidents just by intervening when they see bullying occur.

Yet we know in most cases bystanders don’t act. Why?  

• Students may or may not know what bullying is
• They may fear also becoming a victim of the bully, now or in the future
•  They may believe no one will help and the situation will only get worse
• Their own friends may pressure them not to do anything to help the victim
•  They may think it’s none of their business
• They may think their actions will make it worse for the victim
• They may not like the victim
• They may think acting is somehow tattling on the bully who may be a friend or part of the “in” crowd
• They may fear their own social status will be compromised by intervening
• They may actually approve of bullying

There is also a social phenomenon known as the bystander effect. When there is a group of people watching something bad or someone being harmed, there is a diffusion of responsibility and each individual simply thinks someone else will intervene or report the issue, car crash, bullying incident, etc. Often then, no one acts.

So how do we get students to be active rather than passive bystanders?  First, schools must be involved as well as students. Schools need to create the right type of environment for students to be positive and active bystanders.

Positive bystander intervention programs for schools typically include the following tasks:

• Creating and nurturing a caring school climate
•  Teaching students to recognize bullying incidents
• Teaching students to distinguish between tattling and reporting
• Teaching students how to report
• Teaching students to develop empathy for victims
• Empowering students to act with positive conflict resolution skills

Regardless of whether a school has a bystander intervention program, students can still get involved! There are many things children can do to be active and involved when witnessing bullying incidents rather than being passive bystanders.

Remember the following steps if you witness bullying occur:

1. Determine if the behavior is truly bullying. First determine if the behavior 

    you are witnessing is bullying or if two students are simply teasing one   

    another or arguing. (If you determine you are witnessing two students 

    fighting, teasing or arguing, you may decide it would be better to let them 

    work it out or to go find a teacher or other adult to intervene).

2. If it is bullying, determine your response.

• Intervene while the bullying is occurring and stand up for the victim. Remember that in over half the incidents when someone does this, the bullying stops within 10 seconds. If you feel you have the courage to do this, it is often the best choice.
• Reach out to the victim later. Be a support person or friend. Often students are victimized because they are socially isolated and have few if any friends. If you support them and strategize with them, this alone may cause the bully to leave them alone. Or it may give the victim the courage to stand up for themselves or to tell their parents or another school staff person.
• Talk to the bully. If the bully is someone you know and you feel safe doing this, it may be an option for you to say, “you know bullying is wrong and you really should stop,” or “I will have to report it to get you some help.”
•  Ignore the incident and encourage others to move away as well. Often if there is no audience, there is no bullying. So if you can break up the audience and move them away, sometimes you can stop the bullying incident.

Remember these tips regarding intervening when you see bullying:

• No one deserves to be hurt – physically or mentally. Most people have heard the saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me," but it really isn’t true. Social and emotional bullying are just as bad as physical incidents. All bullying is wrong and school should be a safe place for everyone. We should all remember the golden rule – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and intervene to stop bullying when we see it occurring.

• Remember that telling someone is not tattling! Toddlers tattle, while kids and teens report poor choices to get people help, and because it's the right thing to do. Remember too that the bully is often striking out at others because they need help for their emotions or unmet needs. Reporting their behavior is not only getting help for the victim, but for the bully as well.

• Silence may be desired in the classrooms, but not about bullying! It takes everyone working together to stop bullying. You have to find the courage to speak up, either to the bully, the victim, to school staff, or better yet, to all three! 

Stay tuned for the next post which will list some fantastic resources for parents and schools as well as some of my favorite websites for kids and teens. These resources will help you if you are a victim or a bystander, or just want to be better prepared to intervene if you ever need to!

Sources:

Teachsafeschools.org

NCAB.org/au

Identifying, Intervening, Surviving, and Preventing Bullying – A Series: Why Children Become Bullies and Why They Target Certain Kids

Have you ever wondered why some children become bullies and why they target certain kids?  Is the “why” really that important?  Do we care why a bully bullies or why a particular child is targeted?  We should! It makes sense that if we know why, we stand a much better chance of not only stopping the behavior, but also preventing it in the first place.

Bullies may be kids that are always in trouble. However, often they are good kids that are doing bad things. And why do bullies target certain kids? Bullies often pick on kids because they are somehow different; they are too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, don’t have enough money and therefore don’t wear the “right” clothes, they aren’t athletic enough, aren’t cool enough, etc. But sometimes it makes no sense why a particular child is bullied. Bullies also target bright, funny and attractive kids; kids that aren’t so different from others.

One of the most frequently cited reasons that bullies strike out at other children is because they are insecure and it makes them feel better about themselves, so it’s not about the child being bullied but more about the bully. In some cases that may be true, but not always. 

There are a variety of reasons that children may engage in bullying:

1. They need power and control – These children need to be the leader, need to dominate their peer group and want other children to look up to them. They may come from a home where they witness abuse or dominance by one parent over another, or they themselves may be the victim of abuse or harsh, punitive behavior by a parent.
2. They lack empathy for others – Some children are naturally more empathetic toward others, toward animals, etc. while others may need to be taught this skill as they are maturing.  If parents and other adults fail to teach this skill, this may be a contributing cause to bullying behavior.
3. They possess feelings of entitlement – These children feel like the world owes them something.  They may come from a home where they are given everything they want, where consequences for poor behavior are minimal and they begin to believe they are more valued than most others. This child may also begin to internalize the belief that they can do anything they want and get away with it, including bullying.
4. They desire to be popular – These children want to be the most popular kid in school; they want everyone to know them, like them and want to be their friend. They may come from a home where parents value their children being the “popular kid” or running with the “in-crowd” and therefore feel tremendous pressure to satisfy their parents.
5. They possess feelings of jealousy or inadequacy / low self-esteem – These bullies target children and pick on them because of jealousy. Sometimes their bullying is targeted toward peers who they perceive as better than them or peers that have something they want.  Their behavior is often an attempt to make themselves feel better.

Once we understand who the bully is, it is much easier to understand why they target certain children. Most often it’s not that the victim has major differences, they just happen to be someone who is serving a purpose for the bullies own needs and feelings. It’s almost as if they are the wrong person, in the wrong place, at the wrong time, through no fault of their own. 

Research has shown however that many victims of bullying do tend to possess certain common traits:

1. They are socially withdrawn or isolate themselves from peers at school
2. They are sensitive or become easily distressed or moody
3. They seem anxious or tend to worry a lot

If a bully needs someone easy to overpower and control, it makes sense that children with these traits would make an ideal target.  It would be much easier to dominate someone who is withdrawn, usually alone, sensitive and/or anxious, than someone who is outgoing, surrounded by friends and confident.

Research also shows that children who have difficulty with the following social tasks are more likely to be victimized by bullies:

1. The inability to read the nonverbal social cues of their peers – For example they don’t notice a peer who rolls their eyes at them.
2. Difficulty understanding social meanings of behaviors – For example a peer that is tapping their feet or turning their head to hurry them along when they are telling them a story.
3.  Problems developing solutions for social conflict – For example a child who doesn’t have the social skills to resolve issues with other children and constantly tattles or uses ineffective solutions. 

Understanding why children bully and why they target certain peers for bullying is the first step to truly being able to stop bullying.  For both primary and secondary prevention, working with both the bullies and the victims, is an effective strategy.

For bullies, or children displaying the traits that may lead to bullying behavior, early intervention is essential. This would include teaching them empathy and helping them learn that feelings of jealousy, entitlement and power/control can have potentially negative consequences from an early age.

For children displaying the traits that bullies tend to target, teaching them how to not isolate themselves and function better socially is important. Teaching them skills such as how to better read social cues, understand their meaning, solve social conflicts and develop a network of supportive people may also help prevent bullying.

Helping children with these essential social skills is both important for us as individual parents and for schools in general if we hope to stop bullying and prevent bullying behavior in the future.  Speak Up Be Safe™ (SUBS) is the Monique Burr Foundation for Children’s bullying and child abuse prevention program. In SUBS we offer some of these bullying prevention strategies to children and schools. Our goal is to implement SUBS in every 1^st through 5^th grade Florida elementary class.

Stay tuned for our next few posts where we discuss the importance of adult intervention and how we as a community can come together with everyone having a role in bullying intervention and prevention.

How to Stop Cyberbullying: Learn Steps to Prevent Online Harrassment

Cyberbullying is a term used to describe a variety of threatening and harassing online behaviors via the internet or cell phone such as lying about, stalking or generally bullying another person. It can include:

• Sending harassing messages
• Posting false information
• Posting private or manipulated pictures
• Encouraging others to bully someone

It can also involve gaining the trust of someone and then using that position to:

• Impersonate them online
• Post their personal information
• Pretend to be them and bully another individual

With nearly half of all tweens and teens experiencing cyberbullying, it is essential for cyberbullying victims to learn to effectively deal with cyberbullies. With these simple but thoughtful steps, tweens, teens and parents can respond effectively to cyberbullies:

1. If a tween or teen is bullied or harassed online, they should not respond. Instead, they should immediately find a safe adult and report the online threat or harassment.  
2. Cyberbullying victims should also block the bully and/or unfriend them so they cannot continue the harassment.
3. Parents should print all correspondence and go to their local law enforcement agency for help.  
4. If the harassment or bullying continues or is coming from multiple sources, it may be necessary to close the victim’s email or Facebook accounts and open new ones, allowing access only to a small, select group of safe friends.  
5. Because cyberbullying has had serious consequences for other children and teens, the emotional damage suffered by victims must be taken seriously. Parents must watch for signs of withdrawal, depression and isolation, and seek professional counseling and support for any child or teen that needs or desires it.  

What is more important as a society is learning to prevent cyberbullying before it ever happens. No one is to blame if they do become a victim, however there are key steps tweens, teens and parents can take to decrease the risk of being harassed or bullied online:

Limit online information and availability. For instance limit your email, social network, newsgroup and blog accounts. If you are unsure of how many accounts you have and where your information is located on the web, conduct a Google search of yourself; the results may surprise you. Eliminate all but essential information and pictures about yourself on the web. Contact your Internet Service Provider if you can’t delete unwanted information yourself.

Don’t provide ammunition. Avoid doing things like sending compromising photos of yourself or allowing access to photos or account passwords or other personal information to anyone, friend or not. Their friend status can change in a hurry and you never know what another person (or their friends) might do.

Be alert to anyone taking your photo in private situations. Photos taken in private places such as locker rooms or bathrooms can always be manipulated or posted online, and are probably not going to be used for anything good. If anyone ever takes a photo in that kind of environment, ask him or her to delete it and ask to see their photo library. If they won’t show you, ask an adult to intervene and report their behavior as harassment and a violation of your privacy.

Practice good “netiquette.” Take a moment before responding to posts either in anger or in a disrespectful way yourself, learn how to use social media sites, such as Facebook, responsibly, and always remember to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

No one can ever eliminate the possibility that they will become a victim of a cyberbully, however taking simple, practical steps such as these, and being alert online, can help decrease the risk. Let us know if you have any other cyberbullying prevention tips to share.

Written by Guest Blogger Stacy Pendarvis, MSW, MA of Pendarvis Consulting & Training and former Program Manager for MBF with over 16 years in the child safety and child abuse prevention field.

Bullying is Happening All Around

13 million students will be bullied in the US this year. Given those numbers it’s hard to imagine that some people don’t see bullying as a real problem, but it is happening all around. Many parents don’t think bullying exists in their child’s school. Some teachers as well often believe bullying isn’t a behavior worthy of their intervention. For example, in one study, 25% of teachers saw nothing wrong with bullying, and consequently intervened in only 4% of bullying incidents.

But bullying is a real problem, with real consequences. Even to those not being bullied, they see it and they feel the consequences.

Here is a poem written by Emily, a 15 year-old High School Student:

It’s time we all realize bullying is a real problem in every school and we must do more to stop it.  But we must do more than just react to bullying after the fact. We must speak up and prevent bullying from happening in the first place. As Emily says, “we need to stand up and get this message spread.” What will you do to spread the message of bullying prevention? If you need some ideas, check out the MBF – Speak Up Be Safe Resources page.

Written by: Stacy Pendarvis 

Crowded Spaces – Dangerous Places! Overprotective or Preventive Maintenance?

Our family just returned from vacation, and while I’d hardly call it relaxing, a week in Orlando, 2 families, 4 adults, 6 kids, 2 condos, 4 pools, several theme parks, well, you get the idea…. It was a ton of fun for all of us. But I will tell you I noticed some very brave parents out there when it came to their kids and walking around inside theme parks, which were crazy busy packed by the way.  It was after all the middle of July.  Well, they were either very brave or very naïve. I can tell Florida needs a lot of education about the dangers facing their children and about the steps they need to take to protect them!

At one point we even saw a mother leave her two kids, approximate ages 2 and 4, at the exit of a ride while she walked somewhere completely out of site, to get her stroller and personal things. 2 and 4! So of course I go into hyper-attentive mode – didn’t she see the news back in February when a 2-year old was molested at SeaWorld? Doesn’t she know that’s extremely dangerous? Maybe I should say something?

My kids of course tell me to stay out of it, that I’m an overprotective mother, always worried about the worst that can happen.  I don’t think I’m overprotective at all – I think I’m just about the right amount of “prevention focused.”  So of course I watched those two little ones until their mom returned, and then, do you think I said anything?  Well I’ll leave you wondering about that, but I’d love to know if you would have said anything?

I do know this: we can’t ever assume because we are in public our kids are safe; kids disappear from public places every day.  Never let your kids out of your site in crowded public places, and be prepared in case you get separated. Don’t assume it won’t happen to you.  Have a plan for where your child should go, who they should look toward for help, and most of us don’t carry our full purses and wallets with us to public venues like that, but at least make sure you have a recent picture of your child that can be copied and distributed if you did find yourself in need of assistance to help locate your child (even a photo on your phone is better than nothing).  And teach your kids that screaming “help, this person is not my parent” is okay if a stranger is trying to take them… the point is to make a scene and get a safe adult to intervene and stop them!  Let’s hope it never happens, but you and your child want to be prepared, just in case!  Here’s to a healthy and safe rest of summer from your Monique Burr Foundation for Children friends!