Identifying, Intervening, Surviving, and Preventing Bullying – A Series: Why Adults Need to Intervene and How to Act Effectively

The simple truth is adults need to intervene because it’s too important not to. We know children don’t often report bullying, we know based on statistics how frequently bullying is happening, and we know the consequences are too great to allow it to continue unchecked. Bullying is no longer simply a case of playground harassment or whispering behind each other’s backs.

Bullying is now recognized as a significant contributor to youth violence, including homicide, suicide, and “bullycide”, the label now applied to children who commit suicide to escape being bullied. The term “bullycide” was coined by authors Neil Marr and Tim Field in their book Bullycide: Death at Playtime, which explores stories of children who have committed suicide as a result of having been bullied.

While there is no formal system for tracking suicides related to bullying, suicide is the 4^th leading cause of death in adolescents. There are many other consequences of bullying that make adult intervention essential:

• Depression
• Low self-esteem
• Anxiety
• Social isolation
• Loneliness
• Physical illness such as headaches, stomach aches
• School absenteeism and subsequently poor academic performance
• Possible violent behavior in retaliation

In other words, the consequences suffered by victims, both in the short term and long term, are too great to ignore. We can no longer hope the situation will get better on it’s own when a child is being bullied. Recall that a previous post informed us that children won’t often tell us they are being bullied so we must be alert to the signs.

In fact, there is a lot of things happening in children’s lives that they might not tell us, including about their own online behavior, even being a victim of cyberbullying. According to a McAfee study, “teens are hiding porn, cheating at school, hacking into others’ social media accounts, sharing sexy photos and cyberbullying” by closing windows when parents enter the room, deleting items on the computer and phone and clearing their web browsers. So parents have to be alert to signs that their children are doing things online and in this case, being victimized online.

The “why” intervene is the easy part… the “how” to intervene gets a little more complicated. Whether dealing with bullying or cyberbullying, there are definite steps adults and children can take to intervene appropriately.

• Remember school is a place to learn social skills and about social relationships as well as academics. In other words, some social behavior such as teasing and whispering or choosing one friend over another is actually good for children to experience. We may naturally want to protect our children from hurt feelings and suffering, but we need to ask ourselves first and foremost, “is the behavior my child describing actually bullying?” If it’s not, it’s a great time to have a conversation with your child about social skills, relationships, and treating people right. If it is, then it is time to act accordingly.

• Talk to your child. Ask questions and listen! Find out the details and document the events and any evidence and witnesses. Help your child research and practice strategies to deal with bullies effectively. Ignoring the bully or allowing the bullying to continue will not make it stop. Learning social skills and resistance strategies and telling safe adults who will act are important actions your child needs to understand. Teaching your child to be his or her own advocate is the best strategy for their own success now and in the future.

• Become a partner with the school. If your child finds they cannot handle the bullying on their own or if the bullying causes physical injuries, the school must become involved. Many times the initial contact with a school about potential bullying is adversarial but your child will benefit more by reaching out to the school in an inquiring and positive manner, rather than using an accusatory and negative approach. Explain to the school the situation as you know it and the strategies you have already tried to stop the behavior. Ask for a meeting with the administration and brainstorm solutions and next steps together. Included in those steps needs to be identifying safe adults that your child can go to if the bullying continues or escalates, and the assurance that retaliation by both the original bully and/or his or her friends for reporting will not be tolerated.

• If the school doesn’t respond appropriately seek additional help from the district and, if needed, law enforcement. If you find these steps do not solve the problem, reach out to additional contacts within the school district such as student support services, office of safe schools or even the superintendent’s office if needed. Additionally, if the bullying involves a physical assault and documented injuries, seek medical care and contact law enforcement.

• Seek counseling and other sources of support for your child. Many times bullies target kids who are socially isolated and don’t have a lot of friends or support. If your child has been bullied for a while their self-esteem might be low and they may have difficulty making friends. Seek the advice of a counselor with experience in this area who can help your child learn to feel better about themselves as well as learn how to function better in social environments. You can also seek out peer support for them through clubs and groups.

• Lastly, if your child is being cyberbullied you will need to take additional steps to ensure their safety.

Of course schools need to be involved as well. Schools are bound by the Jeffrey Johnston Stand Up For All Students Act to report and intervene in bullying situations, but they need to do more than that. They need to be alert to signs of pre-bullying behavior, teasing and harassment. They also need to teach kids empathy and good social skills in an effort to prevent bullying. Helping peers relate better is a skill that will not only prevent bullying but will serve children well throughout their lives. And of course good old-fashioned supervision is also necessary. We know most bullying occurs in places where supervision is low and social interaction is high, such as playgrounds, cafeterias and bathrooms, so schools need to increase supervision in these areas.

Speak Up Be Safe™ includes, as a part of an overall comprehensive prevention program for children, counselors, teachers and parents, bullying prevention education. If your school doesn’t have our program, it’s time to encourage them to get it.

Adults aren’t the only ones who can intervene and help stop bullying. In our next post we will address “bystanders,” or children who watch bullying take place or ignore it to some extent, and how they can help stop bullying. We will also discuss what communities can do to help prevent bullying, so stay tuned to find out more.

Identifying, Intervening, Surviving and Preventing Bullying – A Series: Signs Your Child May Be the Target of Bullying

Parents may have a hard time understanding that children don’t often want them, or any other adult, to know they are being bullied or cyberbullied. There are several reasons why children and teens are reluctant to report. Understanding those reasons can help adults become more aware of indicators they need to look for to determine if a child is in fact being bullied or cyberbullied.

Children fail to report bullying for many reasons.

• They may fear based on past behavior no one is available to them or will listen to them, or they fear no one will intervene and the bullying will only escalate.
• They may fear looking like a tattletale or snitch and expect an increase in the bullying due to revenge or retaliation.
• They may fear looking weak to their parents and peers or they may be ashamed and feel like they somehow deserved the abusive behavior.
• Sometimes children aren’t aware the behavior inflicted upon them is actually bullying. This is particularly true of social and relational type of bullying behaviors.

If a child is being cyberbullied, there are additional reasons they may be reluctant to report the behavior.

• They may be afraid the consequence of reporting will involve them losing privileges such as their phone, computer or social networking accounts.
• Sometimes the victim is bullied after posting or sending something they believe they should not have posted or sent, and feel they are to blame; thus, they don’t want their parents to know and don’t report the bullying.

Because children are often reluctant to report bullying, parents as well as school employees need to be alert to signs that a child is being bullied and/or cyberbullied. These are some of the most common signs.

Signs a child may be the victim of bullying:

• Unexplained injuries upon return from school
• Frequent and unexplained lost items
• Frequent hunger upon return from school
• Request to alter school path or transportation method
• Frequent complaints of illness/not wanting to go to school
• Change/decline in grades
• Low self-esteem, depression, suicidal talk or behavior
• Loss of long-time friends or change in friends
• Change in social habits/social isolation
• Change in personality
• Deviation from normal behavior
•  Eating or sleeping disturbances
• Avoidance of family members or environments/situations once enjoyed
• Avoidance of questions related to their behaviors, actions, feelings, or school activities

Signs a child may be the victim of cyberbullying:

• Any of the above indicators
• Frequent computer or cell phone use
• Depressed or agitated behavior after being online or on their cell phone
• New contacts on phone or social networking sites on computer
• Increased amounts of text messages received
• Change in online behavior (up late online, secretive, makes new friends)
• Shuts off computer/cell phone when a parent or caregiver approaches

Staying alert to these signs will enable adults to see red flags in a child’s behavior even if the child doesn’t report being bullied or being associated with bullying. Research shows that 93% of children want adults to get involved and stop bullying. It is an adult’s responsibility to keep children safe and we must intervene, whether children act like they want us to or not.

Learning about bullying and signs/indicators is the first step to helping our children. Stay tuned for our next few posts in this series about why bullies target some children and why some children become bullies.  Those will be followed with helpful information about why adults and other children need to get involved and how to act effectively.  

Let us know how this series is helping you and/or share your bullying story.   

Identifying, Intervening, Surviving and Preventing Bullying – A Series: Cyberbullying…When Peers Are Predators Too

Not so long ago we only had to worry about the online threat of strangers.  Predators were those from far away who used technology to gain access to our children and subsequently harm them with abuse and exploitation.  But times have changed and the digital age has opened up a new world where our children’s peers are now predators as well.

Cyberbullying and digital abuse are quickly becoming the main issue facing tweens and teens today.

• 1 out of 5 children is or will be cyberbullied (US Dept. of Justice)

• 43% of teens ages 13 to 17 have experienced cyberbullying in the past year

• 1 million children were cyberbullied on Facebook during the past year

EdTechmagazine.com has created a great infographic that displays just how real and significant cyberbullying is… we encourage you to check it out.

So what exactly is cyberbullying? It is threatening, harassing or aggressive behavior by one or more children or teens toward another using digital technology such as the Internet or cell phones. Unlike bullying, cyberbullying does not have to be a repeated behavior nor does the behavior need to take place between persons of unequal power. 

Cyberbullying can include:

1.     Spreading rumors or posting false information

2.     Sending harassing messages

3.     Posting compromising or altered images

4.     Persuading others to act in this same manner

5.     Posting private information

6.     Bullying others while impersonating the victim

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children does a great job of explaining cyberbullying through a series of videos titled “Real Life Stories.” These videos feature stories shared by actual teens and are appropriate for tweens and teens, and they are also appropriate for adults who wish to gain a better understanding of cyberbullying and its devastating consequences.

As we learned in a previous post, cyberbullying tends to begin in middle school, increase in the later middle school years and peak in high school, therefore education and prevention must start early and continue throughout all school years.  In the next post, we will examine the signs indicating your child may be the victim of a bully or cyberbully. In future posts, we will also discuss why and how to intervene in bullying situations, share resources for prevention and more.  Check back for future posts so you and your children can become educated and empowered to speak up and stay safe.