Let's Talk About "Talking to Kids"

Everywhere you turn it’s in the news nowadays… the sexual abuse and exploitation of children. On one hand it’s good – and I only mean good in the sense that people are finally taking notice. The media is reporting it, blogs are talking about it, society is hearing about it. But it’s also bad in that we are seeing for the first time in history how truly pervasive this crime really is.

My concern is the more we talk about, the more cases we list, the more perpetrators we expose – do we risk society becoming apathetic? I think some citizens and some parents will become more aware, enlightened and engaged, but I fear others will become desensitized and disengage.

I would rather accept that most of society knows this is a problem at this point and offer solutions. So today’s post is just that – a solution – at least part of the solution. The true solution to child sexual abuse and exploitation, as the entire Monique Burr Foundation for Children (MBF) team learned recently at the Prevent Child Abuse America conference, is a multidimensional approach that encompasses many strategies and partners. One of those strategies is educating children.

So let’s talk today about talking to kids. If, as we always say, adults are responsible for keeping kids safe is true, why do we need to talk to kids? Because the child is the predator’s target and we can’t be with our kids 24/7. In other words, we can do the best we can to protect them, but if we don’t prepare them to protect themselves, a smart and manipulative predator might easily target and victimize them. So we need to empower and educate our children to help us keep them safe.

What do we talk to them about and when? There is no magic formula. The keys are to be available and to get over our own uncomfortable feelings about the topics we need to discuss. Topics which are many and varied – from basic body part names at the youngest of ages to safe use of social media at older ages. Sometimes as parents we get so busy that when our kids come to us we make them feel they are unimportant and we are too busy. Our goal should be to let them know we are always available to talk about anything. When kids know we are available, they are more likely to come to us with their questions and concerns, including questions about the more sensitive, scary or uncomfortable topics.

As adults, as parents, it is our responsibility to get over our own feelings of anxiety to protect our children. Even educated professionals are often uncomfortable talking to children about sex, sexual abuse, sexual exploitation and pornography. These are truly uncomfortable topics – I get that. But there are two very good reasons we must talk to our kids anyway.

Studies reveal children know more than we think they do and at younger ages than we assume. A Symantec study revealed that the fourth most frequently searched term on the Internet for children 7 and under was “porn,” indicating they have heard the word somewhere and they want to know what it is. And if we don’t talk to our children… somebody else will. Interviews with predators have revealed they look for children who don’t have knowledge and are curious about sexual topics and they initiate intimate conversations with them. These initial contacts often lead to further, and often willing, sexual activity.

We must not kid ourselves into thinking that our child is not susceptible to these predators. Every child – even the best, most innocent and well-protected child needs to be educated with safety information in order to protect themselves.

If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable thinking about having these discussions with your child MBF is here to help. The Monique Burr Foundation for Children has added a great resource to our website, “Discussing Sensitive Topics – A Parent Activity” to help parents who may be struggling to have these important conversations with their children. You can learn more about the age at which children are first exposed to these types of topics and the rates at which children are victimized and exploited in our country. Our resource about "Discussing Sensitive Topics" will help you understand the true risks and also help you better prepare to have these important but sometimes uncomfortable conversations with children. Let MBF help you look forward to important and potentially life saving conversations with your child. You will be empowering them with knowledge that will protect them from predators for years to come!

Identifying, Intervening, Surviving, and Preventing Bullying – A Series: Why Children Become Bullies and Why They Target Certain Kids

Have you ever wondered why some children become bullies and why they target certain kids?  Is the “why” really that important?  Do we care why a bully bullies or why a particular child is targeted?  We should! It makes sense that if we know why, we stand a much better chance of not only stopping the behavior, but also preventing it in the first place.

Bullies may be kids that are always in trouble. However, often they are good kids that are doing bad things. And why do bullies target certain kids? Bullies often pick on kids because they are somehow different; they are too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, don’t have enough money and therefore don’t wear the “right” clothes, they aren’t athletic enough, aren’t cool enough, etc. But sometimes it makes no sense why a particular child is bullied. Bullies also target bright, funny and attractive kids; kids that aren’t so different from others.

One of the most frequently cited reasons that bullies strike out at other children is because they are insecure and it makes them feel better about themselves, so it’s not about the child being bullied but more about the bully. In some cases that may be true, but not always. 

There are a variety of reasons that children may engage in bullying:

1. They need power and control – These children need to be the leader, need to dominate their peer group and want other children to look up to them. They may come from a home where they witness abuse or dominance by one parent over another, or they themselves may be the victim of abuse or harsh, punitive behavior by a parent.
2. They lack empathy for others – Some children are naturally more empathetic toward others, toward animals, etc. while others may need to be taught this skill as they are maturing.  If parents and other adults fail to teach this skill, this may be a contributing cause to bullying behavior.
3. They possess feelings of entitlement – These children feel like the world owes them something.  They may come from a home where they are given everything they want, where consequences for poor behavior are minimal and they begin to believe they are more valued than most others. This child may also begin to internalize the belief that they can do anything they want and get away with it, including bullying.
4. They desire to be popular – These children want to be the most popular kid in school; they want everyone to know them, like them and want to be their friend. They may come from a home where parents value their children being the “popular kid” or running with the “in-crowd” and therefore feel tremendous pressure to satisfy their parents.
5. They possess feelings of jealousy or inadequacy / low self-esteem – These bullies target children and pick on them because of jealousy. Sometimes their bullying is targeted toward peers who they perceive as better than them or peers that have something they want.  Their behavior is often an attempt to make themselves feel better.

Once we understand who the bully is, it is much easier to understand why they target certain children. Most often it’s not that the victim has major differences, they just happen to be someone who is serving a purpose for the bullies own needs and feelings. It’s almost as if they are the wrong person, in the wrong place, at the wrong time, through no fault of their own. 

Research has shown however that many victims of bullying do tend to possess certain common traits:

1. They are socially withdrawn or isolate themselves from peers at school
2. They are sensitive or become easily distressed or moody
3. They seem anxious or tend to worry a lot

If a bully needs someone easy to overpower and control, it makes sense that children with these traits would make an ideal target.  It would be much easier to dominate someone who is withdrawn, usually alone, sensitive and/or anxious, than someone who is outgoing, surrounded by friends and confident.

Research also shows that children who have difficulty with the following social tasks are more likely to be victimized by bullies:

1. The inability to read the nonverbal social cues of their peers – For example they don’t notice a peer who rolls their eyes at them.
2. Difficulty understanding social meanings of behaviors – For example a peer that is tapping their feet or turning their head to hurry them along when they are telling them a story.
3.  Problems developing solutions for social conflict – For example a child who doesn’t have the social skills to resolve issues with other children and constantly tattles or uses ineffective solutions. 

Understanding why children bully and why they target certain peers for bullying is the first step to truly being able to stop bullying.  For both primary and secondary prevention, working with both the bullies and the victims, is an effective strategy.

For bullies, or children displaying the traits that may lead to bullying behavior, early intervention is essential. This would include teaching them empathy and helping them learn that feelings of jealousy, entitlement and power/control can have potentially negative consequences from an early age.

For children displaying the traits that bullies tend to target, teaching them how to not isolate themselves and function better socially is important. Teaching them skills such as how to better read social cues, understand their meaning, solve social conflicts and develop a network of supportive people may also help prevent bullying.

Helping children with these essential social skills is both important for us as individual parents and for schools in general if we hope to stop bullying and prevent bullying behavior in the future.  Speak Up Be Safe™ (SUBS) is the Monique Burr Foundation for Children’s bullying and child abuse prevention program. In SUBS we offer some of these bullying prevention strategies to children and schools. Our goal is to implement SUBS in every 1^st through 5^th grade Florida elementary class.

Stay tuned for our next few posts where we discuss the importance of adult intervention and how we as a community can come together with everyone having a role in bullying intervention and prevention.

Identifying, Intervening, Surviving, and Preventing Bullying – A Series: How is Bullying Different in Younger vs. Older Grades?

Children, teens and tweens all bully other students their own age, but the types of bullying behaviors they exhibit change as they get older. While there are always various strategies used to harass and bully others, it seems that at certain developmental stages specific types of bullying behaviors are more typical than others.

The National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) published a comprehensive national study on bullying that appeared in the April 25, 2001, Journal of the American Medical Association and discussed age and types of bullying.

The study, which surveyed almost 16,000 U.S. public and private 6^th through 10^th grade students, found that 13% bullied others, 11% were bully victims, and 6% were both bullies and bully victims.  Additionally, the study revealed a lot about the timing and types of bullying including that bullying generally starts in elementary school and peaks in middle school while remaining steady or declining somewhat in high school.  It also revealed that boys are more frequently involved in physical bullying and girls in verbal or relational bullying.

Similarly, a 2001 Kaiser Family Foundation study revealed that 86% of children between the ages of 12 and 15 reported that they get teased or bullied at school, which shows that bullying is more prevalent than smoking, alcohol, drugs, or sex among students this same age.  Clearly, bullying is a prevalent problem that must be addressed at every age.

So how do children of different ages experience bullying?

Children who are targeted by bullies in elementary school are usually those that don’t have many friends or don’t fit in socially. They are often bullied based on their social abilities or physical traits such as looking different, having a disability or being obese.  Bullying at this age is generally teasing, social ostracism or isolation from group activities.

Bullying generally increases toward the end of elementary school and the beginning of middle school. It continues to get worse until high school because of the high social needs of tweens combined with lower maturity levels.  Bullying is usually about needing social power and children becoming accepted by their peer group.  Often this intense desire to be accepted and become a part of the popular group leads to bullying. Because tweens want so desperately to fit in, bullying others who don’t fit in and who look, act, talk or dress differently than they do gives them power and social status.

Relational aggression is a particularly common type of bullying in middle school used especially by girls.  Girls will form friendships but will then strike out at another girl in anticipation of them thinking they are going to become the outcast. By ostracizing the other girl first, they think they are beating them to the punch. Relational aggression tends to diminish toward the teen and high school years as girls learn how to control their emotions and thoughts.

Tweens and older teens in middle school and high school years experience far less physical, verbal and social bullying but see a dramatic increase in cyberbullying.  Stay tuned for our next blog in the series, which will include information on cyberbullying.

Bullying is dangerous behavior and leads to violence, homicide, suicide and bullycide. Understanding how it affects children of different ages and developmental stages is the first step in helping educate and empower adults and children about how to stop bullying others and how to prevent bullying from happening in the first place.

Author: Stacy Pendarvis, MSW, MA – Consulting Trainer and Prevention Specialist 

Bullying is Happening All Around

13 million students will be bullied in the US this year. Given those numbers it’s hard to imagine that some people don’t see bullying as a real problem, but it is happening all around. Many parents don’t think bullying exists in their child’s school. Some teachers as well often believe bullying isn’t a behavior worthy of their intervention. For example, in one study, 25% of teachers saw nothing wrong with bullying, and consequently intervened in only 4% of bullying incidents.

But bullying is a real problem, with real consequences. Even to those not being bullied, they see it and they feel the consequences.

Here is a poem written by Emily, a 15 year-old High School Student:

It’s time we all realize bullying is a real problem in every school and we must do more to stop it.  But we must do more than just react to bullying after the fact. We must speak up and prevent bullying from happening in the first place. As Emily says, “we need to stand up and get this message spread.” What will you do to spread the message of bullying prevention? If you need some ideas, check out the MBF – Speak Up Be Safe Resources page.

Written by: Stacy Pendarvis 

Protecting children from sexual exploitation more important than ever!

Internet sex stings in Florida are nothing new.  40 men were arrested in Orlando for soliciting sex with minors just a few weeks ago.  That arrest included a pro-golfer, a swim coach and an eighth grade teacher.  And here we are again, 21 arrested in Gainesville, including a Physician’s Assistant and an elementary school teacher.  So why am I so disturbed by this report that I felt the need to blog about it?  It’s just becoming more and more common and the perpetrators are seeking these encounters with children and teens knowing that these sting operations are happening.  But their desires are such that they are willing to take that risk in order to meet up with a young child or teen for sex.  Consequences aside, they think the risk is worth it, and that to me is scary!

There is no doubt that the sexual exploitation of children on the Internet is a huge problem in our country and it’s growing every day.  The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) has ample facts and resources about this issue for professionals, parents and communities that can be found on their website: http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/servlet/PageServlet?LanguageCountry=en_US&PageId=218.  However, it is up to us to learn more and do more.  Reading the newspaper and being appalled is simply no longer enough.  There are tools available and we, as the responsible adults in society, MUST use them to protect children today!

Do you know what the sexual exploitation of children is?  Do you know if your child has ever been solicited online, if they’ve ever received any unwanted offers, if they’ve ever communicated with a stranger online? Do you know that according to NCMEC, 1 in 7 children between the ages of 10 and 17 has received a sexual solicitation online? Yet only 5% of those solicitations were ever reported to law enforcement or an Internet service provider.  Do you know NCMEC hosts a cybertipline for just such reports?

At the Monique Burr Foundation for Children we are working hard every day to protect Florida’s children by educating and empowering all elementary school age children in first through fifth grades to recognize and report any unsafe situation they might encounter on the Internet.  It is a part of a more comprehensive program called Speak Up Be Safe™ and we are diligently working to educate and empower the adults in their lives as well as the community about these same dangers and resources.  Please help us.  Visit our website at www.MoniqueBurrFoundation.org/SUBS to become educated about this program and share our message.  It’s that important and it’s that necessary!

Crowded Spaces – Dangerous Places! Overprotective or Preventive Maintenance?

Our family just returned from vacation, and while I’d hardly call it relaxing, a week in Orlando, 2 families, 4 adults, 6 kids, 2 condos, 4 pools, several theme parks, well, you get the idea…. It was a ton of fun for all of us. But I will tell you I noticed some very brave parents out there when it came to their kids and walking around inside theme parks, which were crazy busy packed by the way.  It was after all the middle of July.  Well, they were either very brave or very naïve. I can tell Florida needs a lot of education about the dangers facing their children and about the steps they need to take to protect them!

At one point we even saw a mother leave her two kids, approximate ages 2 and 4, at the exit of a ride while she walked somewhere completely out of site, to get her stroller and personal things. 2 and 4! So of course I go into hyper-attentive mode – didn’t she see the news back in February when a 2-year old was molested at SeaWorld? Doesn’t she know that’s extremely dangerous? Maybe I should say something?

My kids of course tell me to stay out of it, that I’m an overprotective mother, always worried about the worst that can happen.  I don’t think I’m overprotective at all – I think I’m just about the right amount of “prevention focused.”  So of course I watched those two little ones until their mom returned, and then, do you think I said anything?  Well I’ll leave you wondering about that, but I’d love to know if you would have said anything?

I do know this: we can’t ever assume because we are in public our kids are safe; kids disappear from public places every day.  Never let your kids out of your site in crowded public places, and be prepared in case you get separated. Don’t assume it won’t happen to you.  Have a plan for where your child should go, who they should look toward for help, and most of us don’t carry our full purses and wallets with us to public venues like that, but at least make sure you have a recent picture of your child that can be copied and distributed if you did find yourself in need of assistance to help locate your child (even a photo on your phone is better than nothing).  And teach your kids that screaming “help, this person is not my parent” is okay if a stranger is trying to take them… the point is to make a scene and get a safe adult to intervene and stop them!  Let’s hope it never happens, but you and your child want to be prepared, just in case!  Here’s to a healthy and safe rest of summer from your Monique Burr Foundation for Children friends!

90% of child abuse is preventable - time to Speak Up and Be Safe Florida!

Florida has long been known for sandy beaches and theme parks but we've also been known for some other - not so sunny and fun - distinctions as well. Like having the 4th highest rate of child abuse in the country and having some very high profile cases of child abuse with very public and very bad outcomes. Come to think of it, one recent case actually happened at a theme park, and that was completely preventable. In fact, 90% of all child abuse is preventable.

While we'd much rather be sitting on one of those sandy beaches, the team at the Monique Burr Foundation for Children, Inc. is hard at work revising our new safety and child abuse prevention curriculum that we plan to make available to every 1st through 5th grade class in Florida by 2015, appropriately titled "Speak Up Be Safe™!" Our team, along with Childhelp, has been hard at work developing this program with the insight and contributions of experts for over a year now, and after a successful pilot phase in four Florida counties and with great feedback from our facilitators, we will be ready for full implementation in the fall. For the full history and more information about future implementation plans visit moniqueburrfoundation.org. 

Until then, stay tuned in the upcoming weeks for more details about Speak Up Be Safe™, the MBF team, and our very ambitious but achievable plans (you'll soon learn a bit more about some of the overachievers on our team which is why I say that). You will also be able to find great information on this blog about child abuse prevention, bullying and Internet safety - all important issues facing our kids, schools and communities today. Watch for some cool guest bloggers occasionally too! In the meantime you won't find us at the beach, but we are going on a road trip - so catch the team next time from Gainesville!